Mum is the only person I know who can be cooking a meal for 8 and with the unexpected arrival of another family still ensure we all get up from the table at the end with stomachs full. I think it had a lot to do with the combination of a jug of cordial water, the two slices of buttered bread on every dinner plate, the piled up potato chips and some magical ingredient she put in the gravy to give the body and bite to any meal still, its was amazing to watch. She so wanted to teach us Aussie kids the fine art of dining English little finger in the air style. It started with the mandatory glass of water to accompany the gentile conversations at every meal. Only problem was that the knocked over glasses of water soon created water patches on the fine linen tablecloth, as the Baskerville rabble reached and fought over every delicacy of food on offer. On or about (legal description) the third glass of water to topple onto the table on or about (affidavit type stuff) the 13 December 1968, Dad decided enough was enough. He stood up – made some pronouncement about the lack of respect shown to the glasses of water, and then promptly poured his glass over the tablecloth as a lesson to us all some lesson? Still, Mum was not about to give up on her passion to teach us the finer points of English etiquette. The next lesson dealt with the uncouth Aussie way of asking for the salt and pepper in such a direct fashion. How totally selfish! how incredibly rude! – how absolutely not on! The courteous way was to place your hand gently on the arm of your dining companion and ask Would you care for the salt to which the ever so polite response was No, but perhaps you would to which you are able to answer in a most humble way Well thank you for asking. Yes, I would be most grateful if you would do that for me. Fair call I thought If I’m going to be an educated man, then I had better start learning the rules of genteel dining etiquette. Tom, would you care for the salt I asked with all the finesse and humility of an English landed gent. Na said Tom. Well I will get the bl*&%y thing myself then was my reflex Aussie reply – and sadly folks, that’s how it has been ever since. Aussie efficiency beats English elegance, but you know the drill – don’t tell mum!
