LEGAL DISCLAIMER – Hopefully all of our kids have grown up with enough smarts so that they never attempt to do the following activity that their fathers stupidly did as kids. This story is sadly based on actual characters and real events. There is a story to be written before this one. Someone has got to tell me how we discovered the drains at Greenslopes in the first place. I hear it had something to do with David and Pip being chased by a gang of thugs. See, I went into the drains with David after they had already been explored. Many stories will come out of this place but right now I just want to tell you about one. At Greenslopes we had a dog appropriately called Duffy. Now this dog was big but he was intellectually challenged as well – which is the nicest way of saying he was stupid. Now John, my cousin, was intellectually challenged as well but at the other end of the scale. This straight As student was too smart. John could handle himself with distinction in any department well above ground level that is. His problem was that his mad cousins did not always live above ground, cause sometimes they would descend into lower earth the Greenslopes drains. The other thing of note about John was his frame 6 foot something and the something almost reached the big 7. This was not a frame built for going up a 3.5 foot round drain but to his credit he sheepishly wanted to give it a try. On hearing this, the brothers looked at each other in that mischievous smirky way and were then easily able to convince John to go last in this down the drain adventure. He was easily persuaded that all the dangers on this trip lay up front but then again he was new to this stuff. Before we went into the drain we had commanded that our pick me! pick me! pick me! excitable dog had to stay at the mouth of the drain and was not to follow. So then, off we went in single file up the drain and into the darkness of lower earth. The best technique for advancement was to crouch low with bent knees and to bend forward so that your head was horizontal with your bum, place your feet either side of the smelly ooze and rock side to side in a forward moving motion. These instructions of course were written for height challenged folk. Those say, less than 4.5 feet. What a 7 foot person should do is his problem, but one thing was clear, there was no empty space around such a frame in that small drain. About 50 meters in, the drain takes a sharp turn to the right. At this point darkness descends. Voices and noises become amplified by a factor of 10 as all around you becomes pitched black. Another 10 meters further along doing the drain stagger rock and we had reached our point of fun. Come on Duffy!!! – was the brothers unifying call, and then hush… The amplified splash of galloping feet told us all that he was on his way. Soon he would reach the bend soon he would be heading head long into the darkness soon he would be with us again. Trouble was, he had no idea of where we were. John’s mathematical brain had quickly worked out the formula and he was beginning to make those panting grunting noises of a man facing an unwanted reality. Big dumb dog + excitable speed + pitched black + no room + me last = pain and suffering. This is precisely what happened, as Duffy barrelled John like a strike of bowling pins. Sometimes dumb can be fun too.
